fucking MINDRAPE me

There’s nothing I can do… At least I have my dog. Thanks… I’m so glad you’re the reason why my stomach started hurting again right now… That’s the last fucking thing I need. I’m so stressed out I don’t know if I can do this again. If she so unhappy then why doesn’t she just let me go and move on. Go find someone that’ll satisfy you in the way you need cus I’m obviously not doing it….

I would like to have another friend or 2.. Instead of 1. Just so I’m not limited on who would or could want to hang out with me. This fucking sucks and right now… I think I hate everyone. For a little while. Fuck it who cares. I don’t need anyone anyways.. I’ll just explore on my own.

I don’t feel good. I hope tomorrow is a better day for me.

I just want to get through this. I want to feel what it’s like back on the other side. I just really hope I didn’t lose my best friend. The whole point of cutting myself out all of a sudden wasn’t meant to be permanent.. Just to get me in the right mind frame to get my ass help and not so clouded by my fears f losing you. If it is permanent there’s nothing I can do. Just know I was planning on coming back to you friend or relationship whatever. I meant what I said when I said I need you in my life always. I hope you dont cut me out completely. And I hope you check up on me and my tumblr.. It’s all I have right now that makes me feel like someone sees me. I feel like I don’t exist right now… It’s weird. I’m fighting. Fighting all the horrible things I want to do that’ll make me feel worse and make my life worse. Crazy tantrums, drugs, crazy driving, getting into trouble period. Focusing on controlling my emotions the best way i can with no tools to help me. I wanna get through this already! I thought I’d never fuckin feel thy feeling again! It’s very small that feeling.. But it’s there… Thank the air Stan Puggle hahaha sigh.. Please let me get through this.

Don’t panic. Please don’t panic.

I feel like everyone is talking to each other about me.. Like… My dad knows about my tumblr and reads it now.. I don’t know if I trust anyone around me with my thoughts and feelings.. I don’t want to feel like I’ve been betrayed.. These are my thoughts my feelings.. Only I can be the one to tell them to people. Especially the people around me.. Like my dad.. Or the rest of my family. Literally feels like a mind rape

Don’t you dare trying a twist and turn that answer into something it’s not! She’s on my fucking side!!! She’s on my side! Let me have this please I don’t want to be paranoid of everyone’s word….even though she’s said stuff before just to get me to cooperate… But lied… I hate you focus on good things. Stop thinking about the hidden meaning cus maybe there isn’t one. If there is one and it’s a lie then.. I don’t need that right? Just making my head worse. Why would she do that? She’s on my side. Proud of me. I want to keep this feeling… But then it will make me slack off.. I feel like I can only get shit done when I feel like dying and am alone. Why?

Damnit. Im such a weak person. I wish I could do what I say I’m going to do

Calm down.

Haha omg… Is it really this impossible to get myself some fucking help!? I’m still waiting for an email and a fax for this list of doctors I can go to for free through my work. Why can’t THIS be easy? At least this..