i’m sorry. i’m sorry for everything i did to you. i’m sorry i was the worst girlfriend in the world to you and me being your first relationship and experience with another girl. i’m still trying to get over you but i honestly do not know how to. i would love to know how to. i just keep sending you stupid redundant letters to you saying i’m sorry this will be the last time you hear from me letters. i cant believe youre gone. from my life and no longer in the five cities. my heart hurts that i lost you and i get that its all my fault. i never wanted any pity party from any of the letters to you saying how fucked my life is now. im sure you had something to say about it in a negative way…i hope you didn’t. but..i’m seriously so lost now. i wish i could have been the one to move to las vegas with you. i’m trying really hard to be happy for you. i strongly believe that you deserve that happiness after all i put you through. i hope you still think of me(if you still do anyway) as a good person that just lost their way or something. i am still a very good person or even a better person now at least. i dont have a car anymore because i gave it to my friend that i was staying with and owed her hella money. just like i owe you. i have nothing. right now i really dont have anything..like when i was grey hounding it everywhere. just my clothes..
Do not try to assume the way I think or act thee way I do because I am selfish or don’t care about others. You think normal and healthy. here’s what it’s like in a nutjobs head. U need to open ur brain more but don’t let pandora out of her box cuz u will end up like me.
I did the things I did to myself because I didn’t want to burden or cause more problems. Trying to commit suicide the last time was different from any other times I tried out of extreme emotions. I believed it would be better this way. I was hella sick. I was trying to help. I still am sick..im dealing with all my shit now. U don’t realize how much of darkness I was stuck in. I couldn’t even see a positive way of thinking then. I can now. If I hadn’t of gone through the shit I put myself through i wouldnt be trying to work hard on myself.
How can u be angry at someone who is clinicaly diagnosed and sick?
I am lightweight angry with you as well.
There’s nothing I can do… At least I have my dog. Thanks… I’m so glad you’re the reason why my stomach started hurting again right now… That’s the last fucking thing I need. I’m so stressed out I don’t know if I can do this again. If she so unhappy then why doesn’t she just let me go and move on. Go find someone that’ll satisfy you in the way you need cus I’m obviously not doing it….
I would like to have another friend or 2.. Instead of 1. Just so I’m not limited on who would or could want to hang out with me. This fucking sucks and right now… I think I hate everyone. For a little while. Fuck it who cares. I don’t need anyone anyways.. I’ll just explore on my own.
I don’t feel good. I hope tomorrow is a better day for me.
I just want to get through this. I want to feel what it’s like back on the other side. I just really hope I didn’t lose my best friend. The whole point of cutting myself out all of a sudden wasn’t meant to be permanent.. Just to get me in the right mind frame to get my ass help and not so clouded by my fears f losing you. If it is permanent there’s nothing I can do. Just know I was planning on coming back to you friend or relationship whatever. I meant what I said when I said I need you in my life always. I hope you dont cut me out completely. And I hope you check up on me and my tumblr.. It’s all I have right now that makes me feel like someone sees me. I feel like I don’t exist right now… It’s weird. I’m fighting. Fighting all the horrible things I want to do that’ll make me feel worse and make my life worse. Crazy tantrums, drugs, crazy driving, getting into trouble period. Focusing on controlling my emotions the best way i can with no tools to help me. I wanna get through this already! I thought I’d never fuckin feel thy feeling again! It’s very small that feeling.. But it’s there… Thank the air Stan Puggle hahaha sigh.. Please let me get through this.
Don’t panic. Please don’t panic.
I feel like everyone is talking to each other about me.. Like… My dad knows about my tumblr and reads it now.. I don’t know if I trust anyone around me with my thoughts and feelings.. I don’t want to feel like I’ve been betrayed.. These are my thoughts my feelings.. Only I can be the one to tell them to people. Especially the people around me.. Like my dad.. Or the rest of my family. Literally feels like a mind rape
Don’t you dare trying a twist and turn that answer into something it’s not! She’s on my fucking side!!! She’s on my side! Let me have this please I don’t want to be paranoid of everyone’s word….even though she’s said stuff before just to get me to cooperate… But lied… I hate you focus on good things. Stop thinking about the hidden meaning cus maybe there isn’t one. If there is one and it’s a lie then.. I don’t need that right? Just making my head worse. Why would she do that? She’s on my side. Proud of me. I want to keep this feeling… But then it will make me slack off.. I feel like I can only get shit done when I feel like dying and am alone. Why?